I grieve for the life I'm leaving
and frustrated at the thought I let myself get here.
Tears gently tricle down my face
with guilt heavily weighing in my heart.
I'm scared - and fear failure,
for my new expanding family.
It is not your fault, but mine,
I should've been more careful.
But now I worry I will not love you enough,
due to the shock of discovering you.
I feel so ashamed and selfish,
of the numb feelings I have.
I feel your growth changing me,
through the general symptoms pregnany brings.
Nausea and insomnia rule me,
and mimic the ocean crashing into the shore.
I feel helpless against the waves,
like I'm caught in a rip.
I know I have a guilty heart,
and I'm trying to contain my emotions.
I should love you,
but instead I feel nothing.
I feel like a bad Mum,
harbouring unwelcome wishes.
You are precious,
and there's a reason God sent you to me.
For this I'm unsure of
But no matter what
I'll be here to protect you,
from the harsh ways of the world.
You're still so tiny,
and don't quite understand just yet.
But give me some time,
and my love will turn to you.
Please forgive me
and the guilty ways of my heart.
Copyright April 21, 2010